We’re a funny old lot, us human beans, don’t you think? One minute we feel invincible – ready to take on the World and its big brother at the drop of a hat, the next, unable to face anyone or anything for fear of rejection or humiliation.
I first suffered with depression in 2003. Everyone around me could see it creeping up, slowly taking hold. Colleagues at work warned me to slow down, take stock, but I knew best. Well, I thought I did until the morning I woke up and quite literally crumpled in a tearful, messy heap just wanting to run and hide from everything. My GP put it down to work-related stress, signed me off and told me to be a selfish madam and do things for myself for however long it takes. My husband (now my ex-husband) referred to me (jokingly) as “my mad wife”, and still the tears flowed.
Eventually the salty-eye juices subsided and things returned to normal. Until 12 months after my first “episode” when once again, the shaking returned, accompanied by self-doubt, self-pity and the lowest case of low self-esteem. This time round, my long-suffering GP prescribed time off and anti-depressants. Strangely, the thought of becoming one of the Prozac Generation depressed me even more. The “Mad Wife” was back.
By the end of 2005, and after coming to terms with the sudden death of my lovely dad, the happy pills were a distant memory and I’d taken the steps necessary to shake off my malady: basically given myself a bloody good talking to, baked a lot of cakes and most importantly, changed jobs.
I fear depression is always going to be with me in some way or another, the difference now though is that I recognise the signs: the lack of sleep, the dips in my attitude towards myself and loved ones, the comfort-eating and yes, the tears. I felt this way as recently as 2 weeks ago but with the support of lovely friends and my fantastic partner, I’ve been able to climb out of the pit of despair before it really sucked me into its bleak void.
Right now, I feel amazing. I’m grateful for what I’ve got and love life, so go on World, chuck whatever you like in my direction and I’ll hurl it straight back at you!
x
Been there and got the T shirt, and yes I think your right its always with us.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs coming your way Deevs xx
It's a bit like my panic attacks I think Cheryl, in that once you open that door it'll never be fully closed. But as long as you're aware of the signs, and know how to act, hopefully you can avoid falling down the hole again. Glad you've got good people around you to support you xx
ReplyDeleteSame here ... it was about seven years ago and was apparently due to a hormonal imbalance. Eventually it was treated, but now and then I spot my 'black cloud' out of the corner of my eye. When that happens I warn 'im indoors that it's looming so that he knows it's not me, should my moods change! Support is definitely the key and it's great that you have Nic and friends to help you.
ReplyDeletejillygoat x
All my life I felt slightly suicidal (not that I ever would have done that to loved ones, as well as being too scared).
ReplyDeleteThat was until the time I took ill and almost died, from that moment my whole outlook on life changed. Now I think that life is a gift (if not a very difficult test at times) and I want to go on living for as long as possible.
Is there a moral here? I only know that we humans are very strange creatures!
MM xxx
I had a brief moment with self-harm but would just scratch with my nails rather than blades or anything like that.
ReplyDeleteTwo years ago was the surrealist experience. A friend of mine was going through a rough patch and I got a text from him explaining to look after his wife and help her with the kids. Well I was on the phone within seconds putting my shoes on and my coat because I knew what he was about to do and I had no time to stop. (Part One of the story is herebecause it's kinda long.)
His doctor was the kind of person who thought he'd just get over his suicidal tendencies and funnily enough he didn't. If I'd been late from work or hadn't had the car that day our friend wouldn't necessarily be alive today.
It sucks that depression is a part of your life but it's good that your GP actually listened and paid attention. Not all of them accept that Depression is a genuine illness. Because you can't see a symptoms doesn't mean that it's not there.